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Attraction 101: Men Are Visual, Women Are NOT

It’s very common for men to think that women think like them.

Men are visual. That’s just the way their brain is hardwired to respond to female beauty: men look, they get sexually aroused and they’re ready to go… It’s a primal trigger that is fired whenever an attractive female (or parts of her) is present.

Whether a good looking woman is walking by, pops up on TV or even pops up in their head as a mental picture… it’s all beautifully described in Shaunti Feldhahn’s best selling books For Men Only and For Women Only (I listened to both audio versions and I can’t recommend them highly enough).

There is no problem with men being men (as long as they act like gentlemen, of course), the problem starts with men who don’t realize it doesn’t work the same for women.

BREAKING NEWS: Women are NOT visual.

Women are not sexually aroused by looking at a “man’s beauty” (at least the majority of women in most parts of the month) and it’s real brain science, you guys.

Brain researchers found that when a man looks at an attractive woman, the part of his brain that lights up is a small part in the back of the brain that’s responsible for physical instincts. However, in a female’s brain, while looking at an attractive man, researches found no activity in that area whatsoever (read more in For Women Only, chapter 7).

You know that thrill you feel when you see a hot girl in a tight curve-hugging dress? that adrenaline rush you get when you visualize Beyoncé’s latest red carpet deep cleavage? So women don’t feel this way. Ever. Not a bit.

What it really means is that:

Your appearance by itself is not a turn on for her

Sorry, true fact. No matter how cute you look with or without clothes…

She might think you look great, she might even enjoy looking at you like she’s looking at an artwork and even enjoy thinking about the pretty babies you’d make together (now THAT’S a turn on!), but she will never feel that physical arousal just by looking at you (translation: dry panties).

It’s not because you’re not cute enough, but because she’s got a female brain, and shockingly, it responds differently than yours.

Tip for singles: A very popular mistake men make in the online dating scene is the “Like what you SEE?” attitude… See, women do not undress men with their eyes and their bodies don’t get physically excited by checking out a potential date. If anything, the guy’s looks are nothing but a pass/fail check on the checklist.

Personally I can say that seeing “too much too soon” is a turn off. It feels like TMI that I’m still not ready to discover about a guy I barely know… so put that shirt back on, Romeo, we’re not there yet. Definitely not the way to impress a girl.

You can’t expect her to feel ready for sex as soon as you are

If a woman looks like she’s ready for sex when you are, she’s probably one of the following:

  • been ready and wanting it for quite some time = ideal, good job!
  • has a temporary high level of testosterone (normal changes during the month)
  • has a high level of testosterone, normally (can be a trade-off situation, you know)
  • not really ready (panties don’t lie…) = hold your horses.

As a rule of thumb, you should never expect her to feel ready when you are. In most cases she will need some good mix of emotional foreplay and physical foreplay.

Tip for couples: Like everything in this world that obeys the 80-20 rule (gotta love it!), the emotional foreplay wins for you the critical 80% of the way! Reason? “Her body’s ability to respond to you sexually is tied to how she feels emotionally about you at the moment” (For Men Only, chapter 7).

If you focus your efforts on making her feel amazing emotionally with compliments, quality time, attentiveness and anything romantic that would make her feel really special to you, by the time you get to the physical part she might already be craving it badly…

Try this today: tease her and continue the foreplay until she wants it more than your do, then see what happens.


Bottom line: what makes you attracted to her is different than what makes her attracted to you…

The real way to spark her attraction is by pursuing her.
The sure way to keep her attraction going is by pursuing her.


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Olivia Gigs

Olivia Gigs

Olivia loves writing about dating & relationship hot topics. Other obsessions: shooting pool, snowboarding, biking, audio books, good coffee, singing-songwriting, guitar playing and Jason Mraz. Read more articles by Olivia

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