Everybody’s writing about how to succeed on a first date, what to do, what to say, what to wear, how to smell, how to kiss… so you can at least get a chance to screw up on the second date. No one tells you how to epically fail on the first date.
So here it is, your guide to becoming a girl’s nightmare. These moves will guarantee she will run for the hills by the end of the date (and if she doesn’t – YOU better run, fast):
Before you meet, avoid long phone conversations and keep off-date communication to texting only, if possible. When texting, don’t use emoticons and remember to end every line with a dot. Very. Very. Important. Nothing says “I got a stick up ass” more gracefully than that.
Keep it informative. Forget about a “good morning, beautiful.. how did you sleep?” first thing in the morning that will make her smile all day, just stick to an uptight “Hi” to initiate communication and a “6:30 tonight?” to make plans. Whenever you feel extra uptight end your texting exchange with “Bye.”. Good vibes.
On the date, forget about holding her hand while walking or touching her thigh when you’re sitting next to her at the movies. Make sure your body language communicates distance, like sitting with your arms crossed or walking beside her with your hands in your pockets.
Don’t notice her
When you first meet, don’t compliment her perfume, outfit or anything that may make her feel desirable, that you notice her. Keep ignoring anything attractive about her appearance throughout the night.
To take it to the next level, let your eye wander… check out other women and make sure she notices. If she felt annoyed by how unimpressed with her you seem, this will make her feel totally disrespected.
Be in your head
Think a lot. Talk about politics, your deadline at work, a very useful math formula or your new conspiracy theory. Be sarcastic and judgmental whenever possible, that’s a great mood killer.
Don’t show interest in her and if she asks you personal questions, make her feel uncomfortable with comments like “ugh, no girl asked me THAT before on a first date, Everrr…”. A little criticism goes a long way.
Space out… stare at objects for a long minute while she’s talking. She will notice that you’re somewhere else and might ask if you’re okay (but will secretly start thinking about how awesome it could have been to talk to grandma or to finally get that wisdom tooth extracted, instead).
Don’t be a Gentleman
Don’t wait up. Walk few steps ahead of her… she’s a big girl, she can find the way. Be the first to enter and exit places and don’t hold doors open for her (or anybody).
If you bump into a friend, especially a female friend, talk to your friend and be super friendly without introducing your date the whole time. Awk-ward…
And finally to the ultimate move: Nothing kills romance faster than not picking up the check. That’s right… add your money (cash, exact small change if possible) on top of the tab and gently but firmly, drag it to her side of the table while giving her the look of “this salad ain’t gonna pay for itself, missy…”.