People tend to adore spontaneity and usually find spontaneous people more fun and attractive and it makes sense…
It usually feels like the funnest part of a romantic relationship is the beginning when everything’s still new and unexpected, and therefore exciting, and as we get to know our partner better and create routines, things get more predictable and therefore less exciting.
This predictability gives us the safe and comforting feeling of “being at home” in a relationship. That’s one of the greatest things about being in a relationship, but the more predictable things get the less excited we feel, which might lead to boredom, taking our partner for granted and looking for excitement outside of the relationship…
That’s where spontaneity gets in the picture.
Being spontaneous in a long term relationship is a must, especially when bills, kids, work and life are filling up the calendar with the day-to-day routines.
You should be able to go back to that excitement and fun you used to have back when the two of you were just dating and the things that stressed you out the most were “when is he going to call me??” and “who is that guy in her new profile pic??”.
So spontaneity is a great thing, right? Well, not always.
While it can surely wake up sleepy relationships and keep the fire burning in good relationships, it should be used very carefully during the dating and courtship phase. This phase is when things are exciting by their nature and the girl is actually testing the guy’s character and intentions, sometimes unconsciously.
Now, this is the most important part and the reason that actually made me write about this subject: At the dating/courtship phase, a man who acts “spontaneous” with a woman comes across as flaky, having commitment issues, immature, impulsive, player, not serious, red flag.
At this phase the girl is trying to sense if a guy is “relationship material” – if he’s reliable, if he’s generally able to commit, if he’s a man of his word, if he’s got healthy priorities or in other words: if he’s a Gentleman. This can make or break her attraction.
When a man tries to set a date with a woman on the same day, he basically tells her:
“hey, I have nothing better to do today, you have nothing better to do today because you probably have no social life, hobbies or other dates so you must be bored out of your mind and waiting for my awesomeness to take you out, so…. wanna do something?”.
When a man tries to set a “spontaneous” date few hours or less in advance, he’s basically saying:
“hey, plans A, B and C cancelled on me, you’re my last minute option, I’m sure you don’t mind being my last minute option and of course you’re not busy living your life and in case you are, I bet you want to see me so bad that you’ll drop everything right this minute, so…. wanna do something?”.
“C’mon, be spontaneous….” (translation: “I’m horny and desperate, are you down?”).
Yes, it’s that douchey, it’s that pickup, it’s that disrespectful, it’s a TURN OFF and a woman who values herself will never accept this kind of behavior from a man (Ahem, ladies who are reading this… right?).
Imagine that a girl you’ve been dating for only one month goes: “hey, let’s move in together! c’mon, be spontaneous….”. How do you feel about “being spontaneous” now? I bet you can taste and smell the manipulation…
So last minute date? forget about it. If you really want to see her act like a gentleman, show some respect, free your time for her in advance and give both of you something to look forward to.
Here’s the good news:
- It doesn’t mean that you should not be spontaneous at all, only not while setting up the dates. You can still be (respectfully, gentlemanly) spontaneous during the dates.
- It doesn’t necessarily mean that a girl who doesn’t act spontaneous in the beginning is not spontaneous, actually it’s most likely untrue… she’s probably a high-value woman and you will just have to be a gentleman about it and find out with time.
- If SHE decides to be spontaneous and suggests an unplanned last minute thing… spontaneity wins!